I found that I can raise an eye. Somehow it will emerge from the mist or slide up into view, if it's available. If it's not available, something else will come. Then it will look in a certain direction and I can follow its gaze. I feel this has some connection with Zoom - with all those gazes - with the others' gazes gazing at me and my own gaze gazing at me. This exterior eye has its own intention; it chooses where it will look. I can invite it to appear but I cannot otherwise control it. Whose is it?
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I should like to be writing with pen, again, hear.feeling the scratch of the nib on rough paper; see.feeling the ink seep a little into the fibres of the rough paper.
That would be like meeting to move and talk in a wood. This is like meeting on Zoom. It's perfectly adequate. A friend of mine died on Christmas Day. I say a friend. He was the man my wife went to live with and then married when we were living in Oxfordshire. She left behind the children, who were 3 and 1, to live with me. That turned out to be such a blessing for me. Years later, when he was trying to stop drinking, he came to live with me here for several months - it was far from temptation and he had nowhere to be as my.his wife had chucked him out. I was often furious with him. One time in particular was when he was living here (I was on my own) and he offered to give me what he called "dating lessons". Anyway, he died horribly of lung cancer on Christmas Day. His dying has not apparently touched me. I am a bit quiet. There. Context. I went to sleep last night wanting to write. I woke up full of statements. Hypnopomping. You are owl and snake in my waking. (I love the open face of the owl of Athena, hiding nothing, seeing everything; I love the sinuous movement of snake in grass, snake in water, such a way to move; I love the rigorously tight flesh of snake.) Specifically, you are cobra-spined with the head arched up over your head, its jaws open - but not threatening. And, specifically, you are owl-throated, so that you have three faces: topmost is snake, below it is your human face, below that is open owl face.) I woke with this image - a wonderful conjunction. The statements followed: 1. You do not need to worry what people think. It's an inappropriate scale/measure, imposed from one world onto another. Does it matter to a forest tree or a leopard what people think? 2. Do not be divided. (I don't know what that means.) 3. Actually ask for what you actually want. Trying to adapt/adjust the wanting to make it palatable is what causes the difficulty. This list can be for you or me. At least 1 and 3 do. Perhaps they are for us both. I sometimes wake like this. Full of some energy that flows in through sleep. In love with life and snake flesh and owl eyes. "The hypnagogic state is rational waking cognition trying to make sense of non-linear images and associations; the hypnopompic state is emotional and credulous dreaming cognition trying to make sense of real-world stolidity. They have a different phenomenological character." So I realise that the hypnagogic state (falling asleep hallucinations) is reasonable left brain trying to make sense of weird, dreamy, unreasonable right brain. And the hypnopompic state (waking up hallucinations) is dreamy right brain coming to terms with left brain's daily-life reality. My whole life seems to be a clumsy attempt to knit the two hemispheres together. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
May 2021
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