Now this is the main job for the rest of my life:
how to accept that it essentially does not matter whether others feel I am good or bad, silly or magnificent, lovely or stupid ...without becoming a complete cunt. If fear is curdled excitement (thank you, Joanna) then what is curdled desire?
I always thought depression was curdled anger. But perhaps it is also curdled desire. Perhaps bitterness is curdled desire? "Octopuses are not monogamous, have haphazard sex lives and seem not very social...
...there is a kind of mental surplus in the octopus." It is always a mystery to me how to:
a) allow DESIRES and thoughts and fears and things said and done to arise and pass and fall away inconsequentially without getting too attached to them and developing shame and drama without failing to... b) take responsibility for and examine and learn from my carelessness and thoughtlessness and, at times, abusiveness [though I do not mean I am a monster; I simply mean the abuse of power in a relationship that many of us have been guilty of. Because if do a without b, then I become another old white man cruising through life careless of the damage he causes. And if I do b without a, I become caught in my own melodrama to nobody's benefit. |