It is always a mystery to me how to:
a) allow DESIRES and thoughts and fears and things said and done to arise and pass and fall away inconsequentially without getting too attached to them and developing shame and drama without failing to... b) take responsibility for and examine and learn from my carelessness and thoughtlessness and, at times, abusiveness [though I do not mean I am a monster; I simply mean the abuse of power in a relationship that many of us have been guilty of. Because if do a without b, then I become another old white man cruising through life careless of the damage he causes. And if I do b without a, I become caught in my own melodrama to nobody's benefit. Can it be helpful to me or others to name the abuses that I have committed? Just to name myself as abusive? As an abuser? Can it help me and others recognise how I (and they) abuse other people and the planet?
If I can set aside my shame, can I begin something by coming out as an abuser? Or, in naming and shaming myself, am I simply continuing the self-whipping that I am trying to escape? Stung by the observation that I reveal very little about myself (even though I think I reveal a lot), I decide that I'll make this website public. But I realise that, in fact, it doesn't reveal much about me. It just unmasks a thought process. |